Any time we have to communicate something difficult, it can be a bit scary. Whether you’re communicating hurt feelings, asking for reassurance, or setting some sort of boundary, it’s useful to have a plan going into the conversation. Asking for reassurance from your partner can be an especially difficult conversation. You want to ask in a way that makes you feel heard, that lands, and that doesn’t create and argument or a fight. You also may want to be validated that even asking for reassurance is a reasonable thing to do. As with many uncomfortable conversations in relationships, healthy communication is key, and there are things you can do to improve your chances at a healthy and meaningful conversation.
1. Take Some Time for Reflection
Before jumping into the conversation, take some time for reflection. You can do this with a journal if it helps you. If you’re in therapy, this is a great thing to talk about in therapy. Take the space to really clarify within yourself what exactly your needs and intentions are. Is there something specific you hope to achieve with the conversation? Is there a specific problem or experience you want to address?
You may also reflect on any experiences in your past that may be influencing your level of desire for reassurance. Have you been cheated on or lied to before in a relationship? Do you have trauma from some event in your past. You don’t want to get stuck thinking about the past, but these reflections can help clarify the situation. You also can bring these findings to your partner to help clarify the situation and offer more understanding.
2. Pick the Right Space and Time
Before the conversation, consider the right space and time to approach your partner. You don’t want to have a serious conversation like this when either or both of you are tired, emotionally unavailable, or otherwise occupied. I recommend finding a place free of distraction and relatively neutral. You also want to pick a time when you’re both able to be as present as possible.
This varies depending on the individuals in the relationship. You may try having the conversation over a coffee, on a walk, or after a meal. Be sure to be flexible if something comes up. You may be planning to have the conversation tonight, but your partner ends up having a really rough day with something. If that’s the case, be ready to move to a more appropriate time for the conversation.
3. Be As Specific as Possible
This starts during your period of checking in or reflection. Rather than simply expressing that you need more reassurance, see if you can find a specific thing to ask for. If nothing comes up or you are completely unsure, you may simply express that you need more reassurance. However, specifics may be helpful in creating actionable change. If you can come up with a way you would like to be reassured, share it with your partner. Giving this concrete example can help like a map pointing you forward in your relationship.
4. Express Your Gratitude
It’s important during the conversation about asking for reassurance to express gratitude. Make sure to let your partner know the things you do appreciate, and that you appreciate their willingness to have this conversation. And don’t just offer this as a platitude. See if you can tap into some appreciation that your partner is willing to investigate this with you and work to make you feel more comfortable.
In addition, share your gratitude when your partner does take action. Say thank you, let them know you appreciate their actions, and be grateful. This gratitude will help your partner know they are doing something beneficial and works as a form of positive reinforcement. Furthermore, as you express gratitude more, you will actually feel gratitude more.
5. Reciprocate Where You Can
Like many things in a relationship, it’s a two way street. You can ask your partner directly if there is anything you can do to make them feel more secure in the relationship. And make sure to act upon the ideas brought up. When both partners feel safe and secure in the relationship, it fuels itself and will make the reassurance come more naturally and easily in the future.
6. Use “I” Statements
This is a conversation I am constantly having with my therapy clients. When we discuss these things with our partners, using “I” statements go a long way. It helps to keep the other person from feeling attacked, focuses the attention on your personal emotional experience, and is generally a more productive way to go about the conversation.
For example, instead of sharing your insecurity around your partner not saying nice things to you or complicating you by saying “You never compliment me,” you might try saying “I feel so loved when you compliment me.” This doesn’t put blame on the other person (even though they may have some fault). Instead, it focuses the energy and discussion on how you feel.
7. Focus on the Positives
In the above example, you can see how we turned a negative statement into a positive one. This can be hard to do in the moment, so don’t beat yourself up if you’re not perfect. We can work toward improving communication, but also have to be gentle with ourselves. Make an effort to frame things in a positive light with positive language rather than negative language.
8. Validate Your Partner’s Perspective
When you bring up reassurance with your partner, they will surely have an experience. It may be different from yours, and it may not necessarily be what you want to hear. Make space to actually listen to your partner’s perspective. Whatever they say, pay attention and listen mindfully. Don’t just wait to speak. Hear how they perceive the situation. Maybe they’re really sorry and had no idea. Maybe they make excuses. Whatever they say, remember their experience in that moment is just as valid as yours.
9. Be Open to New Ideas
You are going to come into thsi conversation with ideas of what you’re expecting or hoping for, and that’s great. But the very nature of a relationship is that there is more than one person. Be willing to meet in the middle, adjust expectations, or figure out what works for the both of you. The type of reassurance you desire may not be the exact form in which your partner can offer you reassurance. Work together to reflect upon the best solution for both of you.
10. Offer Yourself Reassurance Where Possible
Finally, investigate techniques to offer yourself some reassurance. This doesn’t mean to drop the whole conversation and just focus on yourself. Rather, we can find reassurance both internally and externally. Maybe you can be proactive and plan a date night or some time together. If you want more physical touch, maybe you can initiate more physical touch with your partner. You can still ask your partner for support, but take matters into your own hands where you can.