There’s been a lot of conversation on the internet recently about self-care becoming selfish. When does us taking care of our own needs turn into selfishness? And is being selfish always a bad thing? We’re going to look at self-care, boundaries, and how we can walk the line in a way that both creates some self-love and helps us steer clear of harming others.
What is Self-Care?
First, what exactly is self-care? These days, it seems like anything can fall into this umbrella term. Need to go to the spa? That’s self care. Setting boundaries? That’s self care. Have an exercise routine? That’s self care. In truth, many things we do can be considered self care in some sense. Maybe its taking a surf trip to Mexico, maybe it’s having a daily meditation practice, or maybe it’s cutting someone out of your life.
At its simplest, self-care is any activity or habit that helps you to take care of yourself. It may be something for your physical health, your mental health, or your emotional well-being. Engaging in a morning exercise routine, going to therapy, or cultivating more positive relationships are examples of each of these. Their very nature is that they are proactive steps that help us to take care of ourselves, perhaps better an aspect of our lives or personalities, and prioritize our health and general wellbeing.
Self-Care vs. Self-Centeredness
Many of the examples I used are inherently selfish in the sense they are mainly related to one’s own wellbeing. In this sense, selfish isn’t always a bad thing. We use this word in today’s society with the implied connotation of “bad.” In truth, some actions can be selfish and still perfectly healthy. Perhaps they are selfish but we are causing no harm to others in any way.
For example, I wake up before the rest of my family to get a period of meditation out in the garden before the kids are up. I enjoy the silent time, the peacefulness of morning, and the lack of distraction. Is it selfish? Sure. But the plus side is I get my period of mindfulness in while everyone is sleeping, I don’t have to step away from my awake kids to practice, and I actually am more present and compassionate because of my meditation practice.
This is an example of a self-care practice that is selfish in a sense, but doesn’t cause any harm or discomfort to those around me. On the other hand, some self-care will be a bit more problematic. My wife and I had to set some personal boundaries with her mom when the kids were born. We live far away from our families of origin, and her mom wanted to come stay with us. That’s not a problem for us. The problem was that she wanted to do three months here living with us, two months back home, and then three months here.
Family is important to both of us, and we both have fairly strong and healthy relationships with our families. However, we simply don’t have the space or energy for her mom to be here for three months at a time. Although we have a good relationship, we have very different ways of living that sometimes clash a bit. So we had to act with self-care and lay down a boundary.
We told her she could come for a couple of weeks at a time instead, and explained why we were setting this boundary. It was not a gentle conversation, and got very uncomfortable. We were of course called selfish and told we were keeping our children from their grandparents. However, we stuck to it. Yes, it was indeed selfish. We were caring for our needs at the expense of somebody else’s happiness. This is where this conversation can get tricky.
In truth, most self-care is selfish. However, some is harmless selfishness and some is harmful selfishness. In this case, we were causing harm. Our goal wasn’t to simply cause harm to my mother-in-law, but it was a byproduct we were well aware of. We had many conversations about how to handle it, the impact it would have on her, how strongly we felt about our boundary, and what we should do.
Together, what we settled on was that our wellbeing needed to take priority, especially with a young child. Understanding it may cause harm or pain to her mom, it was a consequence we were willing to take on. It doesn’t mean it was necessarily the right or wrong thing to do, and I think we need to step away from that dichotomy. Instead, we were aware and mindful of the consequences of our self-care, and tried to be compassionate and empathetic.
Signs To Watch Out For
So when does self-care become selfish to a fault? I think there are a few things we can look out for. These aren’t necessarily things that tell you what you’re doing is good or bad, but things we can bring our mindfulness to, investigate or reflect upon, and hopefully clarify.
Others Expressing Harm
One of the clearest signs we can see easily is when somebody expresses hurt or difficulty with your self-care. This may be a boundary you set with them or others, or maybe you can’t be present for them because you have something with your self-care routine to handle. For example, maybe you go to the gym alone every day while your partner stays home or does something else. This may be okay with your partner at times, but you may miss something important. Your partner expresses they want you to be present for some special event, but you can’t because you have your gym routine.
Any time someone tells you they are experiencing some harm, it should be a reminder to reflect on the activity. Again, this doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong flat-out. Instead, it means you should take a moment to pause and consider your actions. Do you need to go to the gym at that time? Can you skip a day? Is there a way to continue taking care of yourself and also be mindful of the experience of others?
Not Being Present
This brings us to our next one. If you are finding yourself not present for things in your life, it may be time to take a look at your self-care routine. Maybe you’re missing time with your kids, family holidays, or the achievements of close friends. You may have boundaries or routines you think you need to stick to. But this is a good sign that you can look more closely at your self-care to see if the selfishness is causing undue harm to others.
Lack of Empathy
This one is pretty simple. If you notice that you haven’t thought of the impact your actions have on those around you, use it as an opportunity to pause and reflect. You could do something like journal, reflect personally on how you may be impacting others, or actually ask the person and have a conversation. When we find ourselves without empathetic thoughts for others or simply not caring because we “need” to take care of ourselves, we should absolutely pause and explore this.