Learning to communicate effectively is a skill that takes time and effort. Especially when faced with difficult conversations like telling someone you feel hurt or asking for reassurance from a partner, we all benefit from a little bit of planning and reflection. In relationships, intimate and otherwise, one of the things I do with my clients is a bit of planning for how to deal with these conversations.
Remember each individual circumstance is unique, so take what you need from these communication tips and leave the rest. More importantly than anything, make sure both you and the other person feel safe. If you feel yourself growing angry, know how to take space and return to the conversation at a more appropriate time when everybody is a bit calmer.
Take Space to Reflect
Before going into a conversation to communicate you feel hurt, reflection is absolutely necessary. Don’t go into this conversation blind, or just focusing on how hurt you are. Instead, set aside some time and space to really reflect on the situation. Start with what happened. You don’t need to be stuck in the past, but reflect on how you feel, what happened, and why it hurt.
The point here is to clarify what is present, not to dwell or mope. It’s okay to feel the pain, but watch out for anger arising. When you’re clear, you may reflect on what exactly you want or hope for from the conversation. Set realistic goals and expectations. These conversations benefit greatly from a proposed outcome. So ask yourself, “What will help me moving forward?” Take your time with these reflections, and really investigate the entire experience before jumping into a conversation.
Timing is Important
Another one that is pre-conversation here. Try to choose a space and time that is conducive to a wholesome and helpful conversation. Try to find a time where both you and the other person can be fully present. Ideally this is away from other people, away from work, away from phones or televisions and other distractions. You want to allow space for both of you to be present during the conversation.
We also benefit from choosing a time where we are at our best possible. Approaching a conversation about hurt feelings after a long work day may be hard. We want to be mindful of the energy we and the other have to give. See if you can find a time where nobody is super tired, hungry, or otherwise preoccupied.
Share Appreciation
To start the conversation off, begin with some appreciation. I generally recommend doing this in the form of offering some understanding of why you’re having this conversation. You might say something like, “I wanted to have a conversation with you because I really value our relationship and you’re an important part of my life.” Even a simple, “I appreciate you having this conversation with me” is a great way to start.
The point here is not just to offer a platitude, but actually feel it as well. Keep your gratitude and relationship in mind as you go into the conversation. This can help us stay clear of anger, judgement, or accusations. It also will help the other person know that this conversation comes from a place of love and insight, rather than simple anger.
Use “I” Statements
This, in my opinion, is one of the best overall tips for effective communication in any relationship. It’s a bit of a cliché, but it really helps. When trying to express how you feel hurt, it is really easy to end up focusing entirely on the other person and what they did wrong. This can lead to the other feeling attacked, getting defensive, or closing down.
Instead, speak about how you actually feel. For example, instead of saying “You hurt me when…”, you could say “I felt sad/hurt when…” Again, this helps keep the focus on your feelings and experience, rather than the other person’s actions. This isn’t to say they didn’t do anything wrong; it is just a reframing of the experience.
Make Space for the Other
In my therapy practice, this is something I have to work quite a bit on with clients. Going into the conversation, your focus may mainly be on how you feel and what happenes. But any conversation that’s between two people needs space for the other to respond or offer input. You may be met with something unpleasant like defensiveness, anger, or excuses. That’s okay. You still need to allow space for the other person to respond.
Move Forward
Finally, put some focus on actually moving forward. We can easily fall into the trap of going over the past or what happened, and turn the conversation into an argument. This gets us nowhere, and doesn’t generally help us feel better or clarify anything. Instead, we can focus our energy on moving forward and what might be helpful.
Before you go into the conversation, you might have an idea of what you hope for. Or, leave space for the other person to suggest something. It may be something simple like, “Please don’t do that again moving forward.” Or maybe you can come up with a plan to share hurt in the moment, ask for space when you’re hurt, or communicate effectively. Whatever it is, remember that the goal should not be to rehash the past, but to actually make a change moving into the future.